the brush drips paint
red paint
dripping all the while
leaving a trail behind
a shadow always following
a mark of everywhere
the brush has been
its slows
eventually dries
scabbing at the bristles
until the rain falls
dragging the red down
deep into the ground
Saturday, September 5, 2009
How GOD must feel
looking down at his creation
not pride or accomplishment
but grief at how we take advantage
how sad it must be
to watch us harm and hurt eachother
how much pain He must feel
to see us the way we judge
the way we look down
put down
lie, cheat, and abuse eachother
how our blood now runs green
green with envy, green with greed
the way we hate, beat and kill eachother
what a dissapointment
let down
how heavy He must feel
to hear our sorrows
our cries and prayers to Him
begging Him
to deliver us from eachother
from the pain we inflict on eachother
devils advocates
how quickly we forget our blessings
how easily we forget
just how quickly He can make us remember
only God has the power
to show us whose God
looking down at his creation
not pride or accomplishment
but grief at how we take advantage
how sad it must be
to watch us harm and hurt eachother
how much pain He must feel
to see us the way we judge
the way we look down
put down
lie, cheat, and abuse eachother
how our blood now runs green
green with envy, green with greed
the way we hate, beat and kill eachother
what a dissapointment
let down
how heavy He must feel
to hear our sorrows
our cries and prayers to Him
begging Him
to deliver us from eachother
from the pain we inflict on eachother
devils advocates
how quickly we forget our blessings
how easily we forget
just how quickly He can make us remember
only God has the power
to show us whose God
Sunday, April 5, 2009
My Cave
What is my cave? I would describe myself as my cave. What makes this my cave? Most children have a hard time remembering their childhood. I, however, have very vivid memories. My parents were both drug addicts. Meth twisted their mind; they could no longer handle their responsibilities. We moved from motel to motel. I never had friends because the longest we ever stayed was two weeks. Our parents used to lock me and my sisters out all day, sometimes into the night. Our meals consisted of cereal. It did not matter if it was breakfast, lunch or dinner. It was always cereal. I can remember being so hungry, and asking the neighbors for food. The drugs made my father abusive. He used to beat my mom and us on a daily basis. The smallest things used to set him off. I remember coming home one day. I was singing a song I had just learned. I was trying to show my mom because I was excited about it. I remember that day because my dad slapped me across the face for waking him up. When I was five years old, my sisters and i were taken to the orphanage. We went in and out of foster homes and orphanages for about a year. By the time i was six, my grandparents had adopted us. We were saved, or at least that is what i thought. This new life soon became just like the old one. Within a year, my grandma relapsed into doing meth again. My grandfather worked all day, and it became just my grandma, my sisters, and me. All the responsibilities of holding down the household became mine. By eight years old i was cleaning, cooking, and babysitting. My grandma stayed home all day, paranoid and obsessed with getting high. She used to get angry when people told me i was beautiful. She used to tell me that i wasn't going to be good for anything. Just a thing for men to use and abuse. I walked my sisters to school and then walked to mine. My seventh grade year i was followed by a strange car. It came every day. One day the man inside decided to make his move. I barely escaped being raped at the age of eleven. I was developing into a teenager, which attracted the wrong people. Soon afterward, a cousin began to molest me.Every weekend for about a year. I blamed myself, i still somewhat blame myself. Even though i know its wrong, now i cannot help but feel like everything that has happened to me is a direct result of my family. I cannot help but blame them. I do not understand why i am paying for their mistakes. My updated life really isn't any better. My grandmother is terribly ill. The drugs have destroyed her body. She can barely get around. She has at least one heart attack or stroke a month. She was just diagnosed with parkinson's disease.My father is no where to be found, and has not made any attempt to see my sisters or me. It has been over seven years. My mom has moved on with her own life. It is difficult for her to be our mom. She cannot handle the responsibilities and she shows it. Its hard for me to love myself. I am a very insecure person. In my mind everyone is going to leave at some time. How can you be happy with yourself when all your life you've felt like something is wrong with you?? It's a struggle for me to go on everyday. I cry at least once, whether its when i wake up or go to sleep. Sometimes i just feel like quitting. However, All of this has taught me that I am my only escape from my cave. I am the only one I can rely on. I am the first to graduate high school, even better with a 3.0 GPA. I am the first to go to college. I am nineteen and make more money than my mom makes. I completely support myself. I am my own success story. I use my family as real life examples of what I do not want to be. I am the change in my life. I am the only one I can count on. I'm slowly beggining to realize that i'm worth something. I am the happy conclusion to my story. I am my own cave.
What is my cave? I would describe myself as my cave. What makes this my cave? Most children have a hard time remembering their childhood. I, however, have very vivid memories. My parents were both drug addicts. Meth twisted their mind; they could no longer handle their responsibilities. We moved from motel to motel. I never had friends because the longest we ever stayed was two weeks. Our parents used to lock me and my sisters out all day, sometimes into the night. Our meals consisted of cereal. It did not matter if it was breakfast, lunch or dinner. It was always cereal. I can remember being so hungry, and asking the neighbors for food. The drugs made my father abusive. He used to beat my mom and us on a daily basis. The smallest things used to set him off. I remember coming home one day. I was singing a song I had just learned. I was trying to show my mom because I was excited about it. I remember that day because my dad slapped me across the face for waking him up. When I was five years old, my sisters and i were taken to the orphanage. We went in and out of foster homes and orphanages for about a year. By the time i was six, my grandparents had adopted us. We were saved, or at least that is what i thought. This new life soon became just like the old one. Within a year, my grandma relapsed into doing meth again. My grandfather worked all day, and it became just my grandma, my sisters, and me. All the responsibilities of holding down the household became mine. By eight years old i was cleaning, cooking, and babysitting. My grandma stayed home all day, paranoid and obsessed with getting high. She used to get angry when people told me i was beautiful. She used to tell me that i wasn't going to be good for anything. Just a thing for men to use and abuse. I walked my sisters to school and then walked to mine. My seventh grade year i was followed by a strange car. It came every day. One day the man inside decided to make his move. I barely escaped being raped at the age of eleven. I was developing into a teenager, which attracted the wrong people. Soon afterward, a cousin began to molest me.Every weekend for about a year. I blamed myself, i still somewhat blame myself. Even though i know its wrong, now i cannot help but feel like everything that has happened to me is a direct result of my family. I cannot help but blame them. I do not understand why i am paying for their mistakes. My updated life really isn't any better. My grandmother is terribly ill. The drugs have destroyed her body. She can barely get around. She has at least one heart attack or stroke a month. She was just diagnosed with parkinson's disease.My father is no where to be found, and has not made any attempt to see my sisters or me. It has been over seven years. My mom has moved on with her own life. It is difficult for her to be our mom. She cannot handle the responsibilities and she shows it. Its hard for me to love myself. I am a very insecure person. In my mind everyone is going to leave at some time. How can you be happy with yourself when all your life you've felt like something is wrong with you?? It's a struggle for me to go on everyday. I cry at least once, whether its when i wake up or go to sleep. Sometimes i just feel like quitting. However, All of this has taught me that I am my only escape from my cave. I am the only one I can rely on. I am the first to graduate high school, even better with a 3.0 GPA. I am the first to go to college. I am nineteen and make more money than my mom makes. I completely support myself. I am my own success story. I use my family as real life examples of what I do not want to be. I am the change in my life. I am the only one I can count on. I'm slowly beggining to realize that i'm worth something. I am the happy conclusion to my story. I am my own cave.
Blood as thin as water
When did blood become so thin?
That I see you as an acquaintance
Someone I know
But would rather not see
When did blood become so thin?
That home with you becomes a prison
Not a place of comfort
But a place I dread going to
When did blood become so thin?
That all emotion has been extracted
‘I love you’ in a dry tone
Performed as routine instead of feeling
When did blood become so thin?
You wonder of your daughter
Wishing she’d open up to you
Hoping she’d quit shutting you out
The blood ran thin
A long time ago, I am afraid
When I needed you
And you were not there
The blood ran thin
When you adopted drugs
The new happiness in your life
My new nightmare
The blood ran thin
When you got lost
When you became a slave
A slave to your addiction
The blood ran thin
When you stopped caring
When you let him hit me
And said nothing
The blood ran thinner
When you deserted me
Stuck me in the system
Passed me to somebody else like an object
The blood ran thin
A long time ago, I am afraid
Now you want to be my mom
I’m sorry but it’s too late
The blood runs from your face
When you hear this from me
Your face white as your lies
You were never good with the truth
My blood boils to the surface
When I think of all you did
How I carried you for so long
How much you took from me
The blood ran thin
If one can even call it blood
The smallest tint of red
Binding us together forever
The blood between us is thin
Memories that dilute it
Pain that pollutes it
Barriers that clog it
Your blood yet thinner
Poisoned with your decisions
Tainted with your drugs
Like a wound that never stops bleeding
I have blood to unite with
Friends and a new family
that keep my blood thick
Like a vampire, I hunted it
Strong, rich blood that makes mine full of life
When did blood become so thin?
You wonder of your daughter
Yet you know the answer already
As your heart bleeds regret
When did blood become so thin?
That I see you as an acquaintance
Someone I know
But would rather not see
When did blood become so thin?
That home with you becomes a prison
Not a place of comfort
But a place I dread going to
When did blood become so thin?
That all emotion has been extracted
‘I love you’ in a dry tone
Performed as routine instead of feeling
When did blood become so thin?
You wonder of your daughter
Wishing she’d open up to you
Hoping she’d quit shutting you out
The blood ran thin
A long time ago, I am afraid
When I needed you
And you were not there
The blood ran thin
When you adopted drugs
The new happiness in your life
My new nightmare
The blood ran thin
When you got lost
When you became a slave
A slave to your addiction
The blood ran thin
When you stopped caring
When you let him hit me
And said nothing
The blood ran thinner
When you deserted me
Stuck me in the system
Passed me to somebody else like an object
The blood ran thin
A long time ago, I am afraid
Now you want to be my mom
I’m sorry but it’s too late
The blood runs from your face
When you hear this from me
Your face white as your lies
You were never good with the truth
My blood boils to the surface
When I think of all you did
How I carried you for so long
How much you took from me
The blood ran thin
If one can even call it blood
The smallest tint of red
Binding us together forever
The blood between us is thin
Memories that dilute it
Pain that pollutes it
Barriers that clog it
Your blood yet thinner
Poisoned with your decisions
Tainted with your drugs
Like a wound that never stops bleeding
I have blood to unite with
Friends and a new family
that keep my blood thick
Like a vampire, I hunted it
Strong, rich blood that makes mine full of life
When did blood become so thin?
You wonder of your daughter
Yet you know the answer already
As your heart bleeds regret
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